Detective Poetry: Plants in the Pants

Driving through this winding avenue

Slamming the gas on this boiler

Leaving behind a trail of scorch marks and speeding tickets.

SHIT!!!

I nearly hit that lady off her own porch.

  Wait was that a lady? No its a drag queen.

I must still be in that part of town. 

...

Where did they go?

Better ask the nearest daddy-o for the 213,

I pull up beside this teen; 

I catch him like a deer in the head lights

I didn't mean to make the kids voice drop

I just wanted him to lend me an ear. 

He shoves his hand down his pants faster than a sheikh in the west.

ME

Whoa, relax daddy-o. Just hoping to get some directions from you is all.

BOY

Are you a cop?!

He's holding on to something pretty tight down there,

Hes not hiding a gat is he? either that or he's gonna snap out his underwear.

ME

Nope, I ain't a cop.

BOY

You look like a cop.

ME

You look like a chimney sweeper doesn't mean you are one.

BOY

Then what are you?

ME

Me? I'm just a humble P.I.

BOY

Like a secretary?

ME

No. That's as P.A ya-

There he goes fiddling with his junk again,

I hope the guy doesn't rub his eye with the same hand. 

ME

You know when I was you're age I thought my baby maker was a sword as well. 

Unless that's a real weapon your concealing.

BOY

Now you sound like a cop.

The stones on this guy,

Either he's gonna show 'em to me or we're have to light this park up.

The kid digs deeper, and I see myself full of holes down Davey Jones.

I reach for the piece tucked under my arm;

It's a quick draw at high noon

It's the fat lady singing a tune

...

It's a bag of chronic.

BOY

I was just gonna smoke it I wasn't gonna sell any. Honest.

ME

God damn it kid, I coulda killed you.

BOY

Take the bag officer, just don't throw me in the can.

ME

I already told ya I ain't a cop!Just wanted to ask you if you'd seen a boiler with a fancy spoiler rolling through?

BOY

Something too nice for this neighborhood?

ME

That would be the one.

BOY

Yeah, I saw something like that not long before you started waving your heater at me. Hooked a left on 21 and Lewis.

ME

Muchas gracias.

I knew where they were headed, 

The yuppie was taking that barn burner back to her place.

If I'm quick I might be able to catch 'em making puppy love.

I booked it out that street,

Not before grabbing some green from the aloof teen.

The joint was cold...

Nothing to be heard but the wind...

Funny as it sounds,

 I felt something else was in the room with me

...

And there she was,

Just as the worst thought in my mind foretold

...

The beautiful dame without a name, 

Pale as a ghost, wrapped in plastic

...

And that thing in the room with me, 

Was unmistakably death.

By Dean Russo